Hello folks who spend more time in deciding which Netflix show to watch rather than actually watching it,
Suppose one of your acquaintances or friends starts to spread this blatant lie that you eat your veggies more than Taco Bell. What started off as an innocent rumor starts to spread like a wildfire ignited by a baby gender reveal party. Soon it reaches all corners of the globe (OMG, he is indeed a flat earther! I knew this all along) and people know you are not a cool kid to hang out with anymore. At that point what are your options?
- Confront the person who started this rumor
- Try to set the record straight by showing your taco bell receipts
- Ignore it
- Cry about it
- Sue their ass off for defamation.
If you live in 'Murica, the land of the free and home of the lawsuits, there is only one correct answer.
Note: This is a slightly lengthier post than most since there was a lot of stuff to cover. I hope you stick till the end of the post.
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Below is a transcript from a defamation lawsuit where the plaintiff "Aphids" filed an action asserting a single claim of slander against the Defendant "People of the State of California".
Bailiff: All rise. *Judge enters. Please be seated.
Judge: Good morning, ladies, gentlemen and insects. Calling the case of Aphids versus People of the State of California. Are both sides ready?
Plaintiff's Attorney: Ready for the plaintiff, your Honor.
Defense Attorney: Ready for the defense, your Honor.
Plaintiff's Attorney: Your Honor, my client has been maligned in the State of California by every random Joe and Jane who keeps spreading the rumor that Aphids are good for nothing and if only they would disappear, the world would be a better place. I believe that is because people are unaware of the importance Aphids play in the ecosystem and people are just not curious to appreciate these treasures of nature.
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, as you will see today the plaintiff is just a parasite that feeds on the sugar reserves stored by innocent plants that are making just enough to get by every day. I request you to dismiss this case immediately since it is not even worth the court's time to hear about these useless insects.
Plaintiff's Attorney: Aphids, as the court might already know, are small sap-sucking insects that have evolved alongside specific plants for thousands of years and are part of the "true bugs" order. If aphids are that evil, then tell me why they can't seem to make a dent in the numbers of one of the most common weeds: the sow thistle. Exhibit A clearly shows, despite the infestation of aphids on this so called "poor plant" it has little or no effect on this sow thistle, since it wasn't able to hinder the plant from scattering its seeds.
Exhibit A
Defense Attorney: It is not about what the aphids can't do, it is about what the aphids can do. One thing that the plaintiff's attorney did not mention is the amount of stress it can cause to the owners of rose bushes infected with aphids in their backyard. These levels of stress ultimately lead to a lower quality of life for the human. To show you how evil aphids are, let me present Exhibit B which shows one sow-thistle aphid using its slender mouthparts to pierce the plant stem and sip on the sugars the plant has produced. It does so without showing any signs of remorse.
Exhibit B
Defense Attorney: Another thing the plaintiff will not readily talk about is the concept of parthenogenesis which is a form of asexual reproduction practiced by these aphids where mothers will clone their daughters every 5 days. In Exhibit C, you can see the mother 3D printing her daughter while not even taking a maternity leave. So, she is busy feeding on the plant while giving birth to more babies which will only aggravate the situation for the poor plant. If this is not a sign of evil, then I don't know what is, your Honor.
Exhibit C
Defense Attorney: Because of this prolific behavior, the host plant is soon covered in thousands of these critters. In Exhibit D, one can clearly see these Aphid crowds reminiscent of pretentious teenagers waiting outside the arena to watch their favorite K-pop band.
Exhibit D
Plaintiff's Attorney: The defense makes a good case about why humans would want to hate these insects, but then they would be looking at only one side of the coin. I want everyone in the court to think of what happens to them if they order a Starbucks coffee and the barista writes their name with an extra 'E' or if you order a pizza with double bacon and extra cheese and when you open the box you see it is single bacon and double cheese?
Defense Attorney: Objection, your honor.
Judge: The objection is overruled. Please continue.
Plaintiff's Attorney: Thank you judge. As I was saying, what do you become if you get honked at by the car behind you while you are busy reading your Instagram DMs in your car when the traffic lights turn green?
*5 secs of awkward silence ensue.
Plaintiff's Attorney: You become a victim!
"Oh no! He is using the victimhood defense. God help us now." *mutters the defense.
Plaintiff's Attorney: The aphids are the real victim here. Not the plants! You see, the aphids are simply taxing the plants so they don't create a monopoly and eventually end up taking up all the area that humans want to build their houses on. In a way, the aphids are the allies of humans. But that is not why the aphids are the victims. Let me present Exhibit E which shows an innocent looking insect grooming itself.
Exhibit E
Plaintiff's Attorney: If every aphid would give birth every 5 days to daughters who would give birth to their daughters in the next 5 days, the numbers of aphids on a single plant will easily touch billions. But that does not happen. Why does that never happen, did you ever think about it? That is because aphids provide sustenance and free day care to a number of other insects. Case in point is the parasitoid wasp shown in Exhibit E, which actively hunts for aphids to inject its eggs into. See Exhibit F to see a parasitoid wasp riding an innocent aphid.
Exhibit F
Defense Attorney: Objection, your Honor. Riding an aphid is not an indication of malice and thus that does not make the aphid a victim.
Judge: Objection sustained. Exhibit F is rejected since it does not show ill intent from the wasp side.
Plaintiff's Attorney: I am sorry, your Honor. I was coming to the point. The reason the wasp is riding the aphid is so that it can impregnate the aphid with its offspring. Let me put up Exhibit G to observe the wasp doing the deed.
Exhibit G
Plaintiff's Attorney: If the defense still has trouble believing the aphid is getting injected, Exhibit H will quell their doubts.
Exhibit H
Plaintiff's Attorney: When the wasp successfully injects the egg into the helpless aphid, the egg hatches within a few days and starts to eat the aphid from inside. This makes the aphid a vegetable while the wasp larva is having the time of its life. Let me present Exhibit I to show the larva eating the aphid from inside.
Exhibit I
Plaintiff's Attorney: And to add insult to injury the wasp baby takes a dump inside the dead aphid's body before making it out as an adult wasp through the escape hatch. Exhibit J shows precisely that.
Exhibit J
Judge: *hits the gavel. Order in the court. I will have you in contempt of court if you laugh again. The death of an aphid is no laughing matter. Treat the dead with respect.
Defense Attorney: No questions at this time, your Honor.
Plaintiff's Attorney: But that is not the end of the list of insects that sustain on aphids alone. One of the other predators of aphids is the larva of the Hover Fly. As you can now see that the aphids not only have parasites growing inside them but also predators feeding from outside. Exhibit K shows a hoverfly larva sucking the body contents of the aphid. Let me remind the court the aphid is still alive but paralyzed at this point. Think about all the mental trauma the aphid has to go through before it meets its maker.
Exhibit K
Plaintiff's Attorney: What is one insect that kids can easily identify?
*5 second silence. Someone sniffles in the audience
Plaintiff's Attorney: Lady Beetles which people generally call Ladybugs. You know what helps Lady Beetle larva grow? Aphids. Yes, aphids provide nourishment to these lady beetles and it would be a shame to see these beautiful insects disappear because humans refused to share this planet with aphids. Shown in Exhibit L is a lady beetle larva munching on a winged aphid like a kid gobbles up chicken nuggets.
Exhibit L
Defense Attorney: No questions or comments at this time, your Honor.
Plaintiff's Attorney: And finally, Aphids help ants thrive. You will often find ants harvesting honeydew (aphid poop) in return for protection from predators. This easy source of sugar means ants do not need to raid your pantry that often. Exhibit M shows Winter Ants checking if the aphids are ready to pass their bowels.
Exhibit M
Plaintiff's Attorney: At this time the plaintiff rests.
Defense Attorney: No further questions at this time, your Honor. At this time the defense rests.
Judge: You may proceed with the closing arguments.
Plaintiff's Attorney: Your Honor, we hate and fear something that we don't understand. Once we gain a better understanding of the thing in question, we start to appreciate it and begin to see the value it provides. In short, we are not blinded by hatred anymore. As we saw in the court today, Aphids are really beneficial in maintaining the diversity of life we have on Planet Earth. I think it would be a wrong decision for humans to keep hating this after knowing the value they provide. Based on the evidence, I hope the court will vindicate aphids from the hatred humans have shared for generations.
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, first of all, let me tell you all Aphids and ants are gross. If you don't think they are gross, maybe you need to get your IQ checked. Also, spiders and mosquitoes, but that is not the point I am trying to make. Anything that makes humans feel helpless in nature should be eradicated because we are the superior species and have every right to exist that way. Looking at the lack of convincing evidence that shows Aphids should be respected and simply a pest, I hope the court dismisses this lawsuit and allows humans to continue to hate and eradicate aphids with every fiber of their being.
Judge: Looking at the evidence presented by both sides, it would be shameful to still keep hating these aphids when they are food for so many small insects and invertebrates. Aphids are the base of these food chains and removing them will cause the food chain to suffer irreparable harm and cause loss of life for other species that depend on it. Keeping that in mind I don't think having to settle using civil damages will help the aphids since they don't own bank accounts. So, I hereby declare that humans have an increased appreciation for these little miracles called Aphids. The court rules in favor of the plaintiff.
Judge: Court is adjourned.
*Aphids cry and hug their attorney while an impatient ant in the audience is checking its watch.
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